My Christmas Story

Ten years ago, Christmas definitely didn't mean the same thing that is does to me today. Sometimes I find that Christmas is hard for me, for anyone to understand the change that has taken place you have to understand, where I have been. 14 years ago, my life changed completely. My maternal grandma had died, and my grandpa(age 89) came to live with us in our small/modest home. There was an instant bond between us, not just a biological bond, but a tie that bound us together. My days with Grandpa were wonderful, I would come home from school and immediately go into his room, and spend the afternoon cuddled up watching old westerns. When we were not doing that I was making up games that we played at the dinner table. On Sundays we would go for long drives through the country. Our summers were filled with trips that included lots of fishing (I hated eating the fish so if I caught any, Grandpa would eat it for me). This was my life, and I loved it. Don't get me wrong, grandpa and I had lot of ups but we had our downs too. It was nothing that I couldn't fix with a kiss and three little words(I love you).

In mid-November 1998, I don't remember the date, but the memory is there is if it were yesterday. I came home from school and ran in to grandpas room to watch some old westerns
and as I threw back the curtain to him make shift room, his bed was empty. There was no need to search the house, I knew he wasn't there. I remember inquiring to my mom about grandpas whereabouts, she told me that grandpa was sick. I begged my mom to let me go with her to the hospital, but not just to visit, I wanted to stay with grandpa. To my delight she agreed, I missed two weeks of school and I could have cared less. My aunt is an educator and when she came up to see grandpa, she told mom that I needed to go back to school. Reluctantly I went back to school, I waited everyday hoping that the inevitable would not come. The day did come, I begged Heavenly Father to bring him back to me. When I realized that he would not give grandpa back, I begged him to take me with him. Apart of me died that day, my heart felt like a big chunk was taken, I hurt physically and spiritually. All I wanted that year for Christmas I couldn't have. I ended up in a depression, For several years after that, I lived in a dark world. I dreaded Christmas, I couldn't find anything happy or exciting about Christmas or about life. I always loved getting presents, It was after the days festivities were over that I found myself remember better days, wishing and wanting for things that I felt I could never have.

Life got so hard for me that I pleaded for help from above. I remember what one of my young women leader had told me about the atonement. I learned that the atonement was not only to take away my sins, but that Christ suffered every pain and illness. He was the only one who knew what any of us is possibly going through. So I started to pray, and ask for the comfort that I needed to move on. I got the comfort that I needed, but it didn't happen over night, it took time. To this day my heart still hurts a little, I find myself out of the blue, crying because I still miss him.

Over the years I have been able to fill my void with things that I love, ie: My wonderful husband, my loving little boy, and my love for my Savior and his gospel. It is because of the Saviors birth and his subsequent atonement that I am able to love life again. It is why I am here today, it is why I am able to find joy in life. To this day I still rely on my Savior, I need him everyday.

It is always nice to get fun gifts this time of year, but the best gift we have ever been given was our Savior. If you get nothing else from this post, please remember that no matter how hard life gets, there is always one person who knows exactly what you are going through. Never hesitate to turn to Him, his is your true friend and advocate with the Father.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!