It is a tough job. Most of you are thinking that this has something to do with the endless piles of laundry, or the cranky kids that sometimes make you want to run away from home and never return. Some days those things feel like they are never going to end, and I may find myself on the floor crying, but it is not those things that I hate about being a mother, and to be honest there are very few things I hate about motherhood.
I recently posted on Facebook that we were struggling with one of our children and for the past two weeks I have been trying to come to terms with the situation. We need to do some testing, but in my heart I know that something isn't right in my child's world, and you will soon discover that it is our sweet Brett that is struggling. There have been so many signs that Jon and I wrote off as normal behavior, thinking that someday he would out grow them and so many things that the doctors brushed off. Life got so bad that Brett and I had to start seeing a therapist. At our very first session the therapist asked us if we had thought about testing Brett for Autism. I shrugged it off, telling the therapist that we think Brett may be ADD/ADHD, but not Autistic. The next day, after school I causally mentioned Autism to Brett's teacher and she agreed that in all of her years as a school teacher, Brett did exhibit signs of this disorder. I cried the whole way home from school that day, and most of the rest of the evening and into the next day. I longed to have a friend close that I could cry to, but moving across country has left all of my close friends in Ann Arbor. When Jon and I had researched Autism, we were shocked that Brett was showing all but one sign of Asperger's Syndrome. We know that there is still hope that Brett is not Autistic, we would be very surprised if he wasn't.
While I know that Autism isn't the end of the world, it is also not what makes me hate motherhood. It is knowing the struggles that he faces and those struggles that he is going to have to face. I know, because I have worked with an Autistic child, and it is hell for the child and the family. Most people ridiculed and belittled the boy and his family, because they didn't understand, and when things were explained to them they were still mean and hurtful. It was hard to watch, but I never really knew how hard it was on this child's mother. Autistic kids are super smart, funny, brave and I love being around them. They see the world in a different way than most kids, but they struggle in so many areas. For Brett it is hard to watch him struggle to make friends. Then seeing him find the one kid that he likes and having that kid tell Brett that he doesn't want to play with him. It is the odd stare from the neighborhood kid, who Brett adores, when Brett tries to talk to him. Brett is so sad when he tells me these things, and I am powerless to do anything to help him. It is heartbreaking for me to have to relate the incident to Jon at the end of the day. I want to talk to these kid's moms, but I know that it will not help. Kids are kids, and they can be the most kind and caring people in the world, but they can also be the most cruel and unforgiving people on the playground. There is nothing worse than watching your child struggle, with illness or the mean kids on the playground and knowing that there is nothing that you can do. Even though I would gladly go through all the hurt and pain for him, I can't. And I HATE it.
Life may give me and my family sicknesses, cranky kids, flooded kitchens, poop all over the house, permanent marker on the wall, fights to break up, and so on. And while I definitely don't enjoy experiencing these things in my life, I can handle it, I can and will do hard things. No matter how hard my life is, I love it. I love my kids, and that I think is what makes it so hard to watch them struggle. I cry thinking about the upcoming test that Brett has to do, I cry when I watch him, I cry when I think about all the times I got frustrated with him and now I realize it wasn't his fault. I cry,when the mean kids say things to him. In the end my heartaches for Brett.
I love being a mom to a super smart kid. I love it when Brett can tell me a knock knock joke for the hundredth time and the only reason I laugh is because of his laughter after he is done telling the joke, it is infectious. I love being a mom when he runs into my arms at the end of every school day. I love being a mom, when we talk about how much his Heavenly Father loves him. I love being a mom every time I get love from him. I love being Brett's mom.
